COVERT OPERATION

Recently I had an opportunity to go on a most unusual travel excursion. An acquaintance of mine connected me with a fellow of somewhat shady character who dabbled in high-priced eccentric tours. My editor agreed to absorb the bill so I was soon off with a small band of inquisitive minds to a mysterious unknown destination.

We were immediately crammed into two tiny jeep type vehicles and rushed through the back streets of town in a zigzagging pattern consisting of many high-speed turns that tossed us considerably.

Near the edge of the city we were blindfolded and assured it was merely a precautionary measure. The air of intrigue was exciting! As we traveled on, I tried to identify sounds without much success. At one point I heard a voice that appeared to be coming from a distant mechanical speaker ask, “Do you want fries with that?” I was unable to distinguish further due to our entry onto a bumpy dirt road. We were tossed like rag dolls as our vehicles sped over rocks, bumps, and occasional splashes of mud. Tree limbs brushed on either side and I was able to presume we were in a forest of some kind. Soon the road smoothed out and I felt the sun on my face.

A man who identified himself as our tour guide welcomed us and apologized for the inconveniences. He stated the precautions were necessary because we were visiting a Boneless Chicken Ranch.

I had never heard of anything so outrageous and was taken aback as were my fellow travelers who uttered several mumbling sounds.

The tour guide filled us in on a lot of background information for the facility. Most impressive was the news that the owner, through many years of breeding, had developed a string of functioning boneless chickens. Needless to say this method of reproduction was worth millions and needed to be guarded against corporate hijackers and various animal rights groups.

Our vehicles soon came to a stop and our blindfolds were removed. We found ourselves within the confines of the ranch. We were not prepared for the sight before our eyes.

Boneless chickens were all around us. They were pathetic! They literally rolled around trying to grasp morsels of food. They couldn’t even raise their little heads above the ground. They stumbled about in an awkward state as though intoxicated. We were truly startled by this inhumane theatre of cruelty.

Our critiques were quickly overturned however. The owner of the establishment greeted us fondly and gave us a walking guided tour. We learned that unlike conventional chicken farms, these boneless chickens lived exceptional lives. Cages were unnecessary so they were free to roam about. A constant supply of food allowed them to eat as often as they chose. Some of the larger birds were pointed out as exceptionally plump due to the lack of confining bone structures. They could literally expand like a balloon to abundant sizes making them highly sought by the finest restaurants.

The owner assured us they lived comfortable pleasant lives that even included piped in classical music. They were free to eat to their hearts content and plump up until they passed away due to natural causes. No boneless chicken was ever slaughtered. The shock of head loss was never experienced which allows for a more content entree.

The hen area was impressive. Some were laying eggs and some were nesting. All were supported by gentle mechanical hands. We were told their eggs were never taken from them, but allowed to hatch and be raised by their mothers, which obviously added to their contentment.

The last stop was the packaging area. When a chicken reached its maxim degree of plumpness it peacefully passed away during its sleep. All plucking and carving was done posthumously. The chicken was then gently placed on a comfortable cardboard tray, sealed in cellophane, and rushed to clients, never frozen.

We were impressed! Our initial shocks and distaste for the Boneless Chicken Ranch was a result of our ignorance. Once we realized what was happening we truly agreed this was a delightfully humane way to raise chickens.
By George